Lazy Mom Blames Kids

Where are my bootstraps? I need to find them again. I have been lying around in bed for 5 days with some nasty virus. But I know if I don’t get back to work on myself soon……. I can already find myself drifting back into lazyland.

I may not be 100% but I can get some exercise in. and I know it cannot be bad for me. I remember when I had my appendix removed they had me up walking the halls within a couple of days. Told me I needed the activity to heal. This can’t be all that different. I can still take naps; I will just have bursts of activity in between.

I found a photo of myself last summer; there are not many photos of me. I usually avoid that side of the camera, not my best side. I did not remember having such a belly. And what I was wearing……… what was I thinking????? Why is it we never see ourselves as we really are? I look in the mirror and do not see what the camera sees.

I know we tell ourselves the camera adds 10lbs. but what if it doesn’t? What if that is just a lie we made up to pretend we are not as big as we are? We make up all kinds of lies to tell ourselves about our shape. Lies we make up to avoid the harsh reality that we really don’t want to put in the effort.

I think mom’s can be the most self delusional. I say that as a mom myself. First of all we tell ourselves our kids are perfect, and they will never behave like typical teens, or maybe even worse, “kids will be kids” no big deal. Yeah kids will be kids and they will stay that way and never be adults unless taught the difference. Want an example? Look at half of your graduating class. You know which ones.

I know for years I used motherhood to avoid my food and health issues. I ate because I was stressed out. I was a single parent; even married I am on my own most of the time. I had to deal with all the little battles of raising kids, just needed a little sugar to get me through the day. Better than smoking right? I couldn’t go on a diet or serve “diet food” my family would revolt. As for working out………… who has the time? I am a mom; I have kids to run herd on. I have a son with autism and there are days it feels like he has vampirism and I am still is food source. I would tell these lies of laziness to myself on a daily basis.

The truth is I while I do A LOT for my family, I am their slave to a great extent; they all can be vampires. I blamed my family, my children for my own laziness. I may not have been lazy in any other area of my life, but I was there. Although to be honest……….. How much running do we really do after out kids? Most of us have been guilty of sofa parenting from time to time. Between cleaning and cooking that is, and that alone can be a full time job.

I could serve balanced meals to my family and take reasonable portions for myself. My kids were not responsible for the sugary poison I had hidden in my room. They certainly did not buy it for me. Not one of them ever said “mom go eat an entire bag of cookies”. If there ever were a sentence about cookies, they were the ones they wanted eating them not mom.

As for exercise………… my kids do not need my complete one on one attention every minute of every day. I had time to go binge in secret. My kids went to bed and I would sit in front of the TV and stuff my face. Yes I need down time. But who said meaningful down time requires a TV, plush surface and a bag of Doritos? Again it was me being lazy. And all that laziness is harmful to my health. Physically and emotionally. Not to mention the horrible food habits I am passing on to my children.

If all my kids want to eat is crap and I make excuses about how I can’t feed them anything else; I am cheating them. I am denying them a healthy life. I am subjecting them to a life of fat, heart disease, diabetes, and self loathing. In other words me. So here I was blaming them for not getting healthy. And all the while I am the one to blame. And I am making them unhealthy, and that is the real crime. After all who was the one to give them their first French fry anyway?

Ok I found one boot strap. Where is the other one? Under the covers maybe?