i am full of ..sh..excuses

I started this online program……. “6 weeks to a more balanced you”. I feel like I have been spinning out of control a bit. Wavering and waffling. So I want to find some inner balance and inner peace. So far what I have found is I am full of crap excuses and it is only day 2.I haven’t really done much, other than think of reasons why I can’t do the tasks. Yesterday, I was supposed to find a space to create my sanctuary, and spend 10 minutes just being there.

I spent an hour thinking up all the reasons why I can’t have a sanctuary. My kids, husband, work, no time. If I leave my house will get messy and then I have to clean it up. Blah, blah, blah. Then I spent (wasted) even more time reading the message board, agreeing and disagreeing with everyone else’s barriers. Somehow, I skimmed over the solutions. If I had time to do that, I certainly could have had time to come up with a solution. I should have been able to do the assignment. I coped out and told myself that the shower is the only place.

The assignment today was to declutter. My first response……. That does not apply to me. My house is always clutter free and orderly. The structure I live in may be, but that was taking the task too literally. My clutter is within myself. All my excuses, rationalizations, justifications that is my clutter, barriers were of my own making. They were not even barriers but excuses. Reasons why I couldn’t get out of my but phase and do the task. Worse, I was blaming everyone and everything else in my life.

My husband, kids, work etc. are not stopping me; those are not the things getting in my way. Sure, I may stumble over them, or have to go around those things to get to where I am going. But the only real barrier is me.

There is no space in my life that is ideal as a sanctuary as is. Outside is not an option because the weather here is not always hospitable. Any place too far from home and I will use the commute time as an excuse not to go. I know myself.

So home it is. Physical movement is something I need to be able to sit for any period of time. I find knitting very relaxing, repetitive motion is important for me to be able to relax. Sitting still doing nothing makes me twitchy. Repetitive motion is like white noise is for others.

So with all of that in mind. I have cleared away my excuses, tossed out that clutter. And set my sanctuary on the seat of my stationary bike. The repetitive peddling lets my mind float away.Best of all, I am combining exercise with relaxation. It puts both things at the top of my to do list and less likely to be shoved aside because of time issues. I even managed to do all of this self realization and decluttering while peddling away.

I know I have a way to go yet, but I think I am on my way. At least I have taken ownership of my problem so I can deal with it. Just don’t ask me to smile in the mirror at it just yet.

men as pills

So I have made this commitment to myself and improving my overall health and well being. And yet for some reason I am still feeling the lure and appeal of those damn quick fix pills. What the hell is wrong with me?

I know pills, potions and powders are not the way to go. Intellectually I know this. I think maybe those potions and powders are like the men of my past. I knew they were worthless crap, in my head. And yet the dreamer, the hopeful part of me wanted to believe that maybe just maybe this time………….. I got a real gem, not another pile of …..

Some are worse than others. There are the pills and potions that have only cost me money. But no other side effects. Then there are the others. The ones that have made my physically ill, given me panic attacks, made me feel like I was losing my mind. The one that made me feel like I was going crazy……. It is marketed as improving your mental health and mood. Kind of like the man that swore he cherished women and would never hit me…………. God, I am a sucker.

You would think at my age, and with all the experience I have had with the dregs of life, I would have some kind of clue. But I don’t. I still fall for it. I still buy into the fantasy. I cannot possibly be the only one. If it were, the diet industry wouldn’t be as huge as it is.

So instead of men being assholes. I say they are all diet pills. Enticing packaging, good marketing. All aimed at a market of women who are still blindly hopeful/desperate. But a big let down once you get it out of the bottle. And could even destroy you. There are men out there like good multi vitamins, but they are hard to find. You have to look past all the hype and fast talk.

I will be trying to keep all diet pills out of my life and stick with my multi vitamin. And busting my ass to make the most of it. Because relationships like fitness, require a lot of work, and daily attention. Truth is even with all the work it is worth it, just look over the occasional pulled muscle.

Take This Phone and Shove It

Texting is the bane of my existence lately. Last night instead of talking to one another, they were texting on their phones. Sure, they were on opposite ends of the house, but my house is only 100 feet long.

Ignore the fact that Doodle had a project to be done that she didn’t even start until last night, it was assigned Thursday. Big Surprise. Stinker was in bed with me watching some guilty pleasure tv. They weren’t even saying anything. Doodle just making random nonsense and Stinker answering.

I am beginning to believe that is the point of texting. To avoid any actual meaningful communication try to make coherent thoughts on the keypad of a phone. It is also the new way of avoiding getting up off you butt.

In my day, we just yelled down the hall. Now they text. I guess I should be grateful for the reduction in volume.

But I am not. I am annoyed. The girls even do it sitting in the car. Am I wrong? I feel that is very rude. Doodle takes her phone with her everywhere and is on it all the time. I cannot seem to get through to her that is not polite to call someone from the grocery store.

1- She is only along to help me get the shopping done faster so I have enough in the pantry to feed her, and everyone else. Is it really too much to ask that she turn the darn thing off and at the very least not run over other shoppers

2- Not every one in the store really cares about the 15 yo social life. In fact, most of us leave the house to get away from. “He said what” “but does he ‘like’ me” or my personal favorite. “And then she said, and then I said, and then, and then, and then…”

3- She makes no attempt at privacy for herself or the person she is talking to. You can hear the entire conversation. I honestly do not think her friend Bitsy wants the world to know she has the world’s biggest zit on her butt. Here my daughter is broadcasting it to all the shoppers at the only store in town.

4- If she does text instead of talk, shoppers become endangered because she mows them all down. Nothing is private be cause she reads me all this blather like I care. Unfortunately, my darling daughter was not born with volume control, so those 20 aisles over all know about said zit on the hind end of Bitsy. In case there was any confusion as to which Bitsy in town, the whole store now knows her full name is Bitsy Marie Jones.

I am trying to enact a ban on all cell phones in stores. At least for anyone who is not a mother and talking to the only surviving child of a house fire, or ax murderer. Because as my kids know that is the only reason they better be calling me in the store.

Diet vs Eating or Prison vs Freedom

Someone told me if I cannot manage 1,500 calories a day, I must not be eating right. So I did a test. I found a 1,500 meal plan and it was balanced, not trendy. http://www.changingshape.com/dietandnutrition/mealplans/plans/1517.asp here is the link for those interested. By all outward appearances, it would give you adequate nutrition.

So I then took that same meal plan and tabulated all of the nutritional values using www.fitday.com. Guess what? I was lacking in 6 essential vitamins and minerals. I didn’t even reach 50% of the RDA for vitamin C. The others that were lacking were Vitamins D & E, Iron, Zinc and Calcium.

Why is this important to me? What is the big deal? That is what a multi vitamin is for, right? Vitamins are better absorbed and utilized in their natural state. And what about those vitamins I already exceeded the RDA on? And what about tomorrow? What will I be missing for that meal plan? How many bottles of single vitamins will I need to keep on hand to keep me balanced?

But seriously, I want to be healthy. I want my body to function and I want to enjoy it. That means I want to be able to eat without overanalyzing what I am eating. I do not want to measure every portion. I do not think my plate should be assembled like a cafeteria tray where every morsel is carefully portioned. I want to be able to sit at a family table and pass food as if we are people not inmates.

You know what it has been working for me. I am losing weight. I am getting healthier and I am making life changes. I am not looking at a goal weight as the end of my diet either. I am not saying to myself “when I get to 150, I can eat what I want”. That is the kind of thinking that makes you rebound. I am making the choice to eat reasonably and deny nothing, for the rest of my life. And that is something I know I can do.

I won’t be watching my pant size expand in 3 months following my “diet”. Sure, there may be some weight gain caused by age. But with healthy living my heart will beat strongly and my arteries will flow freely. And those couple of pounds won’t matter much. After all, do I really want to wear a bikini when I am 80? I think there will be more than a few extra pounds to detour me from that.

Eat 1,500 calories and stay FAT

Time for a reality check, how many calories should I eat in a day? I have read all the bullshit that says to eat 1,500-1,800 calories a day. Who came up with that crap? I know it is the diet for someone in a coma. Real people need more food than that.

I burn roughly 2,700 calories a day without even working out. When I lose all the weight, I will still be burning 2,500. That is based on having a desk job.
Who the hell only burns 1,500 calories? Barbie? Gotta be bedridden… there is no other explanation.

Why rant about 1,500? It is just a number. Right?

Wrong!!!! It is some mystical level of self-denial we have been told that we need to achieve. All those “diet gurus” tell us that if we eat more than that we are doomed to be fat. So we starve ourselves eating 1,500 calories. And guess what? We are still fat!!! Which is what those pushing diet plans want. So we will we keep buying their pills, powders, box dinners, books, tapes, and t-shirts. I have a drawer full of t-shirts all 2X, what good is that?

You know why we stay fat?? Because we are STARVING!!! After just a few days on such a restricted diet. I binge. I go nuts and eat as if I haven’t had any food in weeks. I only eat junk food too. That is if I even make it through one day. I can binge just thinking about it. Talk about a set up for failure.

Spend a week on that diet and your metabolism will slow down. Your body will know you are starving yourself. If you are eating only half of what you are using you are denying your body fuel. So guess what your body starts to store it.

Then there is the big question. What about nutrition??? Can you get every nutrient your body needs by eating only 1,500 calories? Well I guess you could if you ate Total cereal as your meal. Personally, I would rather not. I love food, flavors, tastes, textures.

So I reject the diet industry. I reject their reality. I don’t want to stay fat. I do not want to be set up to fail. I want to become healthier. And I will. Because instead of hiding my head in someone’s ass, I mean diet book, I have made up my own food reality, based on reasonable eating. Guess what? My way has lowered my cholesterol 50 points in 3 months and cut my triglycerides in half. I have lost over 20 lbs, even while on vacation. Take That South Beach!

Sports & Parents reduce drug risks

Ok there is a study. Someone went and did a study showing that if you want your children to resist drugs not only do you have to talk to them you also have to get up off the sofa and play sports. I think I may be in trouble.

http://health.ivillage.com/active/0,,wbnews_90vbh9ht,00.html Here is the story in case you don’t believe me.

I am seriously athletically challenged. This is not an area where I am gifted or even competent. So what is a mom like me to do?

I think the real message of the study is we need to get our children and ourselves off the sofa and moving again. We need to turn off all the electronic babysitters and start acting like families again. We need to talk to one another and do things together.

I know that I am just as guilty as the next person. I spend every Friday night with my kids eating pizza and watching movies. Everyone sits quiet, no one talks and we eat. If someone tries to talk, they are shushed.

I have set my children up with the tv while I cook or clean. Or even watch a tv in the other room to tune out the bickering.

So what am I going to take away from this study? Am I going to learn a sport? No.

But what I am going to do is make it a point to play something outside with them once a week, at least. We will still have pizza & movie night. But maybe we will go for a bike ride or walk to the glacier together first. Or maybe after Sat chores we will spend a few hours paddling our kayaks around our favorite lake. Who knows we might even go for nightly walks. But we will do something for a minimum of 30 min a week, something physical and outdoors. Even if it rains.

I figure over time we will be up for an hour a week. The kids have their activities. The girls are getting a little too old to want to hang out with mom. But I will try to make sure we only go to places their friends won’t go. Well………. Sometimes. Hey now is the time I get to make up for all those incidents in the store when they were little. Payback. But that is another tangent.

McD's made me fat ........... yeah right

My girls showed me a blurb in the April issue of Seventeen, a photo of Jazlyn Bradley who sued McD’s for making her fat. It was just a photo giving her name and the fact that she is suing McD’s. I was flabbergasted. I could not believe it. So I turned to Google to get the real story.

Turns out I am really behind the times. The lawsuit was filed in 2002 and kicked out of the New York Supreme court in 2003. I could not find anything regarding a current suit. And yes that little verb tense confusion is an issue for me.

There are a few things that bother me about this being in a young person’s magazine without all the information.

- By giving the impression that this is still before the courts there is the implication that there is merit to the suit. The fact that is got tossed out of two courts should have been given.
- There is the implication that McD’s taught a child how to eat not her parent(s)
- There is also the implication that our eating habits are beyond out control and power. That once fat means always fat.

These are not things I want my girls to learn. While I do not agree with all the tobacco suits. I do feel there is more merit to them because of the whole physical addiction aspect. But McD’s……. fast food………. French fries. While we may crave them from time to time we do not suffer from any physical withdrawal.

You cannot convince me that while she was growing up she made all the food choices for herself. I am sure at some point there was and adult/parent teaching her food habits. Why weren’t they being sued?

Now don’t get me wrong I do not honestly believe parents should be sued for teaching their children bad food habits. I would be in trouble if that every happened.

But I really feel we need to empower our children. Put them in control of their eating. So maybe just maybe their habits will be better than ours. Teach them moderation. Let them in on the right way to deal with weight, food and exercise.

If McD’s is serving such evil food. Let’s really get them where it hurts. Whip through the drive through happy meals for everyone. Then take it to the park to eat.

But let’s not teach our kids that they do not have the power. This blame game is what is making us all fat. Time to take back ownership of our bodies. With ownership comes pride……… who knows maybe we will take better care of ourselves. We might last longer, and be aware enough to enjoy it.

falling off the wagon & pop culture

I fell off the wagon this week. I was going to say yesterday. But it really has been a week. I have not worked out consistently since I got sick. And yesterday was a total bust. I even bought and ate sugar food. Not good.

I am hoping that by putting this all down here I can take responsibility for it all and change my behavior. I keep wondering when will this all become a habit? I keep finding more excuses rather than solutions.

I tell myself I have been sick and I need to ease myself back into things. How does easing myself back into things translate to …… sitting on my but and waiting divine intervention? I have not cut a deal with out houseguest. Instead I avoid the back room all together. Any excuse to avoid what I need to be doing. And my girls are watching. I know they see all.

I need to find a way to incorporate my kids in my working out. I really think that my bad example combined with the images of popular culture…….. They are destined to be food challenged just like me.

When I speak of popular culture I am not talking about stick thin wisps that grace the covers of magazines. I am talking about real culture not fantasy. I am talking about the way people really live. More people sit on their but and watch tv than get out and go for a walk. Food portions keep getting bigger….. Nutritional serving size doesn’t, but the portion served you does. Don’t believe me? Look at the size of the fry box now compared to the bag of yesterday. Or how about the muffin…….. Used to be you bought one the same size as your muffin tin at home. Now ……. They are as big as the head of a toddler.

Pop culture also puts on that wonderful vampire box, or tv, all these wonderful shows like…… Dr 90210, Extreme Makeover, the Swan and other such knife happy drivel. You know what I have learned from that stuff…………. If I want to lose the weight it is just a surgery away. I can have it nipped, tucked, sucked and zapped away. Like it never happened. What I want to know is how long does it take for these people to be back in the docs office to have it all done again.

We all know intellectually that surgery is not the answer. You have to learn a new way of living. You have to get a handle on your eating. You have to get up off your but. Now don’t get me wrong. I would love surgery. I want to get a tummy tuck and my breasts lifted. My darling children left a permanent mark, or marks on me. I just would love to have things put back where they belong. And the skin that is as stretched out as bad as the elastic of a size 6 panty on a size 9 ass. But you know what I earned those marks; they are mine, just like my fat.

So pop culture has made it acceptable to be fat, slothful and self indulgent. Just because pop culture has made it ok doesn’t make it right. Remember pop culture made smoking ok too. And think back to all the pregnant women sipping cocktails in old sitcoms. Let’s face it when we think as a crowd we are incredibly stupid

Normal is a setting on the washing machine not a personality trait

There are Aliens living in my house

I have 4 beautiful daughters, two are grown and living on their own. I probably won’t gush too much on them, out of respect for their privacy. And respect for their love for their mom, I am just a step. But you can’t tell my heart that. I wish they lived closer to home, but what can you do? I am even going to be a grandma soon, I am so happy about that. The other two are 15 and 13, (doodle & stinker). I also have two boys 9 & 5 (gila & little billy).

I know that I am living with spawn from outer space. I do not know these pod people; they certainly are not the angels I gave birth to. And this is not just about my teenagers. Spring has sprung and they all are getting very strange.

What is it with teenagers? Why does everything have to escalate into WWIII? I know maybe some of it is my intolerance for the attitude. Stinker has the worst attitude lately. It is like she has sprung horns and a tail. The only facial expression she has is a sneer. And she back talks about everything. Ask her to put her clothes in the laundry and watch the sparks fly. This is the child that used to be loving and kind to a fault. Now………… she scares me. Maybe it is the eyeliner

Doodle……… she is into that “goth” stuff and “rpg” Somehow this translates into an inability to bathe or do homework. At least she does communicate with me; I hear a lot of kids in that crowd do not talk to their parents. She tells me everything…….. Like who did what to whom. You know I hated that crap in high school and it isn’t anymore interesting now. But it is oddly strange how these bouts of sharing come when she is sitting down to do homework or do her chore. And multi-tasking is not one of her skills.

Gila monster well he is his own special person. He has made so many strides in the past year I almost don’t know who he is. He is kind and loving and in the past month homework has not been a war. He will brush his teeth WITH toothpaste. He is even staying dry most of the time. While none of this is anything to complain about it has all thrown me through a loop? Now if he would only eat. But you know I won’t worry about that. How much growth can you expect from one little guy. This morning he told me about a girl. I think he may have his first crush………. I know I am not ready for that. They have 11 things in common, and she wears a rose necklace.

As for little billy, called that for his resemblance to his father, he is turning 6 this month but really going on 16. He is becoming quite the defender of his brother. I was leaving the two boys with a cousin of theirs a while back, and he sat her down and explained to her how to treat his brother. He explained that his brother didn’t always understand so we need to be patient with him. Then yesterday he told his teacher he needed gloves if he was going to finger paint, because his skin is “sensitive”. He has extremely bad eczema. He is becoming such the advocate for his brother and himself. And I haven’t taught him any of this. I don’t know where any of this is coming from. He must be channeling Yoda, he loves Yoda because they are both little.

I don’t know what a normal home looks like. Or how one even functions. Mine is crazy and active. I do not know where these children came from. I know they could not be mine. Because even with the bits that make me nuts I know they are far too wonderful to have ever come from someone as flawed as me. Be they aliens or angels, I intend to enjoy them all, all 6, forever.

Mom wakes up..........

Have you seen those new McD’s commercials? The ones for their coffee? For those who haven’t…….the premise is some idiot has been sleeping through their life until they have a cup of McD coffee. Well last winter I was the idiot and I had a cup of coffee so to speak. That is why I am on this journey to health.

It was the 100,000th time I was yelling at my girls for food hidden in their rooms. I was mad because they were sneaking food in large quantities and eating it. We had just gotten a month’s supply of granola bars, or what mathematically should have been a months worth. And in a 3 day period there were exactly 10 left. The juice boxes were all gone as well. I was furious; I yelled and said all those things moms are not supposed to say. I think I even used the 3 letter f word.

After my tirade I went into my office and began stuffing my face with almond roca. In that exact moment I woke up. I don’t think this was the first time I yelled at the girls for eating and then stuffed my face. But it was the first time I made the connection that I taught them this behavior.

I could not believe what I had taught them. They have developed my food habits. I have passed on a legacy or binging and self loathing. So far the girls 15 & 13 are the only victims. The boys have not yet fallen prey. But the 9 yo doesn’t eat anyway, and the youngest is 5.

I woke up to the fact that I have been a horrible example to my girls. I skip most meals. But I eat 2 days worth of calories late at night long after dinner time. I realized that in the war I have been waging with food and over eating, I just recruited my daughters. I set them up and shipped them to the frontlines.

I know I need to set a better example for my girls. I need to let them know that they can control what they eat. They can walk away. That there are other ways of feeding the soul than with food. But how to I get them to believe me, when there are times I don’t even buy it myself?

I have a friend that rags on me about smoking. She tells me that I set a terrible example for my children. I don’t deny that, but I think the evils of food addiction are just as great. If not more so. I know that is not politically correct to say that. There are so many things caused by obesity that can kill me. Not only the poor food choices, but the sedentary lifestyle we fall into when we get fat.

And yet schools and tv preach to me about the dangers of smoking and turn me into an evil parent for doing it. But no one talks about what I am teaching my children by over eating and not getting up off my but (yes I mean one‘t’). But I am tired, but I worked all day, but I only watch one show, but I eat small meals, but but but but but! Never mind I am tired because my heart and lungs are doing double duty because there is more of me to deal with and the extra weight is crushing them. I may have worked all day but most of that was sitting on my but. As for the small meals………….. Why don’t we just start counting the ones that are not with an audience?

I have taught my girls all my buts. The schools and their incredible intelligence have warned them away from smoking. But the food…………….. It snuck in right under the radar because even mom didn’t warn them about that. My kids are too smart to smoke, but no one ever told them food could be dangerous. And overeating is not the only risky food behavior. There is binging and purging. There is starvation by choice. You know I have even in the past made the dumb@## remark I wish I had the willpower to be anorexic, in front of my children. What kind of a moron am I? It is not about willpower anymore that what I do is about the lack of it.

So here I am taking charge of my life. Starting with food. And hopefully in the process I will become the role model my girls deserve. Or at the very least cease to be the worst example in their live. I love you two.

Lazy Mom Blames Kids

Where are my bootstraps? I need to find them again. I have been lying around in bed for 5 days with some nasty virus. But I know if I don’t get back to work on myself soon……. I can already find myself drifting back into lazyland.

I may not be 100% but I can get some exercise in. and I know it cannot be bad for me. I remember when I had my appendix removed they had me up walking the halls within a couple of days. Told me I needed the activity to heal. This can’t be all that different. I can still take naps; I will just have bursts of activity in between.

I found a photo of myself last summer; there are not many photos of me. I usually avoid that side of the camera, not my best side. I did not remember having such a belly. And what I was wearing……… what was I thinking????? Why is it we never see ourselves as we really are? I look in the mirror and do not see what the camera sees.

I know we tell ourselves the camera adds 10lbs. but what if it doesn’t? What if that is just a lie we made up to pretend we are not as big as we are? We make up all kinds of lies to tell ourselves about our shape. Lies we make up to avoid the harsh reality that we really don’t want to put in the effort.

I think mom’s can be the most self delusional. I say that as a mom myself. First of all we tell ourselves our kids are perfect, and they will never behave like typical teens, or maybe even worse, “kids will be kids” no big deal. Yeah kids will be kids and they will stay that way and never be adults unless taught the difference. Want an example? Look at half of your graduating class. You know which ones.

I know for years I used motherhood to avoid my food and health issues. I ate because I was stressed out. I was a single parent; even married I am on my own most of the time. I had to deal with all the little battles of raising kids, just needed a little sugar to get me through the day. Better than smoking right? I couldn’t go on a diet or serve “diet food” my family would revolt. As for working out………… who has the time? I am a mom; I have kids to run herd on. I have a son with autism and there are days it feels like he has vampirism and I am still is food source. I would tell these lies of laziness to myself on a daily basis.

The truth is I while I do A LOT for my family, I am their slave to a great extent; they all can be vampires. I blamed my family, my children for my own laziness. I may not have been lazy in any other area of my life, but I was there. Although to be honest……….. How much running do we really do after out kids? Most of us have been guilty of sofa parenting from time to time. Between cleaning and cooking that is, and that alone can be a full time job.

I could serve balanced meals to my family and take reasonable portions for myself. My kids were not responsible for the sugary poison I had hidden in my room. They certainly did not buy it for me. Not one of them ever said “mom go eat an entire bag of cookies”. If there ever were a sentence about cookies, they were the ones they wanted eating them not mom.

As for exercise………… my kids do not need my complete one on one attention every minute of every day. I had time to go binge in secret. My kids went to bed and I would sit in front of the TV and stuff my face. Yes I need down time. But who said meaningful down time requires a TV, plush surface and a bag of Doritos? Again it was me being lazy. And all that laziness is harmful to my health. Physically and emotionally. Not to mention the horrible food habits I am passing on to my children.

If all my kids want to eat is crap and I make excuses about how I can’t feed them anything else; I am cheating them. I am denying them a healthy life. I am subjecting them to a life of fat, heart disease, diabetes, and self loathing. In other words me. So here I was blaming them for not getting healthy. And all the while I am the one to blame. And I am making them unhealthy, and that is the real crime. After all who was the one to give them their first French fry anyway?

Ok I found one boot strap. Where is the other one? Under the covers maybe?

My kayak..........my first athletic success, ever

The sun is coming out here in my little slice of the world. If you only look up you would believe it is spring. Look down you see the snow still on the ground. These little patches of dirty ice lumps remind me of patches of hair on a balding man attempting to comb over. It is not a pristine white blanket covering the landscape. But piles of dirty, created by plows and blowers at the height of the season. Between these piles in my yard is the matted brown soggy mess I can only hope will become grass.

As I look out there I dream of spring, not the season on the calendar, but the warming of the air and the disappearance of snow. I have never been an athletic person. I was always the last one chosen for any sport as a child. I could trip and fall on a piece of lint. I was afraid to try things, because I knew I couldn’t do it anyway. Right?

But I love the outdoors. I always have. I have always wanted to kayak. I am not into boating per se. I used to get sea sick just thinking about it. But kayaking always captured something inside me. A couple years ago my husband knowing I always wanted to do it went and bought me a kayak. It is just a used one, but I love it. I was so scared because now I had to try it, not just talk about “someday”. So I headed out for Auke Bay.

I have only gone on day paddles to date. I stick close to the coastline so I can’t get lost. And I make sure if I am going in the ocean I have a partner with me. I can do this. I love this. I do not need to be an athlete, hand eye coordination is not important. I just get in the water and go. And my kayak is incredibly stable. At first I was really afraid of tipping it. So I went to a lake nearby, I am not stupid enough to dump myself in the ocean; it is suck the air out of your lungs cold, here.

I really tried to dump myself. I rocked myself side to side. Until the last second when I would sit up straight because I chickened out, the lake wasn’t really warm either. But I learned something. I really couldn’t tip the kayak. I tried, I thought it would go over, even tho I sat up. But it didn’t. It was so much more stable than I gave it credit for. I found this wonderfully reassuring. I also found it empowering, because with a little common sense my kayak and I can tackle the water of southeast Alaska.

So how does any of this tie into losing weight or becoming healthy? I realized as I sat here in my sickbed dreaming about getting in my kayak and paddling away, that this was my first athletic success. It may have taken another year for me to start working on the daily incorporation of exercise. But this was the moment I realized that I can do it. Maybe not perfectly, I may never be able to go out there with hard core paddlers. But that is not the point.

The real point is not what others do, or how other people approach kayaking. The point is I enjoy what I do in my kayak. I am successful. I can get from point A to point B, maybe a little coarse correction from time to time, but that is what the rudder is for. I may only be able to paddle for 30 minutes without taking a rest. But who cares. I get there. And I feel so calm inside, so relaxed. With all my daily stress how can that not be an accomplishment?
My point? Getting healthy is about personal goals. Personal satisfaction. Not a comparison to where the Joneses are at. Where am I at? What have I accomplished? Is it easier this week than last? Is my breathing more rhythmic, instead of gasping after 5 minutes? The answer is yes, I am doing better each week. I would never be able to keep up with the spandex queens at the gym. But so what, I never liked spandex anyway. And at the end of the day I know I really have accomplished more than they ever have. I have gone from nothing to something, and I have done it for me not the crowd. What is the accomplishment? Creating something from nothing? Or a genetic blessing?

Out of the Groove... house guests and other distractions

I am an all or nothing kind of person. At least when it comes to working out. I have a hard time taking time out from working out and then getting back on track. Why is this important? My workout routine has been disrupted.

The room that houses my bowflex has been taken over by invading relatives. I moved the bike into my bedroom. But the bowflex has felt off limits. We had out of town relatives staying in the room for a week and then we have a niece in there. I don’t want to invade anyone’s privacy, or wake anyone up. But I workout in the morning. I have to do it before my shower. I know that may sound ridged. But give me too much time during the day to think about it and I will skip it. I will find an excuse. But those that have been staying in that room sleep until 10 or later. I have kids in school. My day starts early.

Compound that with the fact that I have been sick. I have gotten some nasty virus that makes every inch in my body hurt. Why babble on about this? Because I know left to my old behaviors I will not start my workout again, at least not for 6 months. I figure if I ramble on about this I will have to face the issue and deal with it. Harder to deny when you name it. Right? I hope so.

I have felt sorry for myself. So what did I do? One box of cookies and 9 candy bars. I have eaten them all in 2.5 days. I know that is terrible, no one should do that. But it took me 2.5 days to eat that crap! Not that many months ago I could/would have eaten that in ………………… 2.5 hours. Did I say that out loud? Yes I did.

I used to be one of those people who denied over eating. I would deny that my eating was a problem. I did my eating in private so it didn’t count, right? Bullshit! It does count. Just cutting out those private eating sessions have reduced my weight. I still eat whatever I want at meal times. I go to McD’s and get a greasy burger and fries. I have real sour cream on my baked potato. Every Friday I have real pizza with my kids. I don’t eat south beach, atkins, weight watchers or any other prepackaged cardboard. I eat real food. But I am still losing weight. Why? Because I cut out those secret binges. That is where my real calorie consumption was taking place

Do I have some amazing willpower? Get real. I faced what I was really eating for the first time. I wrote down everything I ate, even the stuff that no one saw me eat. I grossed myself out. It is like trying to eat while sitting across from an open mouth two fisted eater. You know that person that drools out more than they swallow.

Now I find I cannot eat as much as I used to. That is why it took me 2.5 days not 2.5 hours to eat that crap. I am embracing the new me. I will get back on that bike, I will negotiate a deal with the house guest and I will do my work out. I will! But first I will get over this crud. I started this journey, and I will finish it. Because you know what I really do feel good about it. I may not be losing weight like someone on a tv commercial. But I know this time I am making the lifestyle changes that will stick. And ones a human can live with. Next I will tackle smoking. But hey one Mt. Everest at a time.